All right, sit down, gather round. I’m going to take the lid off what it’s really like to be a PT. It’s nowhere near as glamorous as people think. I’ve seen it all, trust me – the good, the bad and the downright ugly. I’m going to share with you some of the strangest things that happen on the job – from the horse’s mouth!
The Requests That Make You Go, “Wait, What?”
You won’t believe some of the requests we get. I’ve had people ask me to make them look like Thor in two weeks. I’ve had people ask me to make them look like J.Lo, in two weeks with abs too. Now, I’m a good trainer! But you know what? I ain’t got a magic wand! And it’s not just body goals – oh no. I’ve had people ask me if I could make them sweat into a shape. A shape! Mind you, a Batman, once, he wanted his sweat patches to look like the Batman emblem! Mate, I’m flattered that you think I’m a freakin’ superman, but I’m not!
Why Your Personal Trainer Hates You When You Say These Things:
Yeah, we smile and nod, but here’s what we’re really thinking when you drop these classic clangers.
“I read on the Internet that…”
OK, here we go – Dr Google spoke, huh? Jesus, for a start, I love the internet and all its tips and tricks, but please people, for the love of kettlebells, know that when it comes from the vastness of overly opinionated and tough-talking forums, you can be sure that 99 per cent of the time you are being fed a giant line of bullcrap! Every time a client starts a sentence with ‘I read this…’ or ‘Apparently…’ I just brace myself. I’ve heard it all. Like the one that says if you eat 12 bananas half an hour before your workout you will get ‘The Hulk’ and start smashing everything. Or the one that ensures that your thighs will grow into tree trunks if you do squats. Yes, it’s the Tropical Fuck Storm of the Fake. It’s a jungle out there and sometimes I’m the guy hacking through the brambles.
“Can we just focus on my abs? I have a holiday next week.”
Oh, and the wish for that magic ab workout – because everyone knows abs are 100 per cent made in the gym and 0 per cent in the kitchen, right? Wrong. If I could turn your beer belly into a washboard in a week, I wouldn’t be counting your reps in your local gym – I’d be sunning myself on a yacht in the Maldives. Fitness is about the whole body, not a dash to the six-pack finish line. Let’s build you a routine that gets the whole of you holiday-ready, rather than solely your middle.
“I don’t think I’m sweating enough. Is this even working?”
This is the old standard. Just because your eyes aren’t dripping sweat and your socks aren’t soaked doesn’t mean you aren’t busting your ass. You don’t earn stripes for how much you sweat – you earn them for being cool under pressure. I promise you this, you are working if in your heart you believe you are working – whether or not the neighbours think you’ve taken a shower with your clothes on.
“I saw someone do this on Instagram…”
Oh, the dreaded Insta-influencer workout moves! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so pleased that you’re being inspired and all, but just because it looks cool doesn’t mean that it’s the right move for you, or that it’s safe for your body. These ‘influencers’ should come with a health warning! Stick to your programme – it was designed for you and your body, not to get likes or follows.
“Do I really have to change my diet too?”
This one takes the prize. Yes, you do need to eat better. I mean, what is the point in working so hard in the gym only to drown your cells in grease and sugar right afterwards? Imagine trying to run your car on cola instead of petrol. It’s the same thing. You can’t out-train bad nutrition. No matter how many crunches you do or how many miles you run.
“But my friend said…”
Ooh, a friend said it, eh? Unless he’s got a secret sports science degree and 10 years’ experience under his belt, I’d take him with a pinch of salt. Good to swap tips, but, hey, we’re all different. What works for your mate might not work for you. Let’s just find what works for you.
Personal trainers are pretty saintly, but even a saint has a breaking point! So don’t get ready to spit out any of those lines next time – we’re here to help based on science, experience and a plan that’s built for you, so please leave the Internet myths and the quick fixes in the waiting room and let’s get to work – the right way!
Misconceptions Galore
Oh, the fitness myths! You’d think we personal trainers just spend our whole day working out and eating chicken and broccoli. In reality, there’s much more desk work and planning than you’d think, and sometimes, yes, I want a slice of pizza too! And no, lifting heavy weights is not going to transform you into the Hulk overnight. I spend half my day debunking myths and reassuring people that, well, they’re not going to become bodybuilders just because they pick up a dumbbell.
The Oddest Places I’ve Trained
Why does training always have to happen at the gym? I’ve done sessions in some strange locations. One was in a tiny office storeroom (avoiding boxes, that’s for sure). Another was on a deserted beach at 6am. I once did a session in the back garden of a client while a kids’ birthday party was going on next door. I’m not sure there’s any way to keep your professional demeanour together if a clown is making balloon animals next to you.
Bizarre Goals and Outfits
Goals? Jesus, people can be stupid with their goals. I’ve had everything from ‘I want to be able to do the splits on my 50th birthday’ to ‘I need to fit into my toddler’s wetsuit for a bet’. Things get real fun when someone arrives in their superhero cape for a workout because they read it boosted morale.
And the costumes. Oh, the costumes! This one guy was adamant he should wear full 1980s workout gear – headband, leotard, leg warmers, the works – and he claimed it enabled him to give himself over to his inner Jane Fonda. Whatever works, I say, as long as you’re actually moving.
I’ve seen things that are laughable, things that are questionable, and things that should be questionable but aren’t because the person wearing them had a great body. Some of you out there will be guilty of some of the following offences, and yes, some of these outfits are more irritating than a new public relations attempt on a Monday morning. Let’s have some fun and maybe learn a few things about what not to wear in the weight room in the process.
The Spandex Overload
Next on the list: the spandex beasties. Now, don’t get me wrong – a bit of lycra is peachy for a workout – the stretchiness lets you squat, stretch and sprint without a hitch. But there’s a fine line between fitted and painted. When your gym gear doesn’t leave anything to the imagination, it’s time to size up. I’m the first to applaud body confidence, but let’s keep the sexual education for the classroom, yeah?
The Sauna Suit Squadron
Oh, and then there are the sauna suit warriors. The ones who are more wrapped up than a Sunday roast, thinking they are sweating out the toxins of the weekend. The suits make a crunchy noise louder than the gym music and feel about as comfortable as a burlap sack. FYI: You’re not detoxing, you’re dehydrating. And you’re losing water, not fat. Let’s stick to normal gym clothes, and let your skin breathe, OK?
The Mismatched Marathoner
Next, we have the mismatched marathoners. These are the people who work out in what seems like the dark, a single neon pink sock, a green one, shorts that were donated by the last charity fun run, and a hat that should have been mothballed decades ago. Sure, you’re at the gym to train and look good, not to match your clothes. But you’re not doing anyone any favours by looking like a slob. You might even lift better (or at the very least, take a better gym selfie) if you had a bit of coordination from time to time.
The Denim Disaster
This might seem like an obvious statement, but jeans in the gym? Really? And it’s worse than it sounds. Denim is the antithesis of the gym: it’s stiff; it chafes; it screams, ‘I thought this was the pub’. If you’re starting out at the gym, whether it’s your first time or your thousandth, leave the Levi’s at home. While it’s not always haute couture, the point of gym kit is that it’s designed to help you move. It’s also great for saving you from a denim disaster.
The Bling Brigade
And finally, the bling brigade. These glitter girls and boys are dripping in more jewels than the crown jewels. Jingling earrings, clanking bangles and necklaces that could blind someone mid-burpee. It’s fine to add a bit of bling, but the gym floor is not the spot for a regal parade of your finest gems. Keep it minimal: less is more when you’re trying to sweat and not stun someone with your stone.
Why We Wouldn’t Change It for the World
Sure, the requests can be crazy and there are the celebrities at the park who raise their eyebrows when you ask them to squat, but personal training is a good gig. You get to help people transform and get stronger and more confident. It’s part fitness guru, part psychologist and part circus ringleader, but still. It’s never boring. And you get to wear trainers to work.
In that case, next time your trainer passes you, give him or her a little wink. They may have just come from some fitness training in Newcastle that would make your head spin… And I’ll stick around to take you at your most ridiculous, whether it’s your goals or your outfit.
